He talks a lot, he sings a lot,
  He falls asleep and snores.
He wakes and talks and sings and says,
  "I'm wearing new plus-fours."

But no, he's not. His new plus-fours
  Were stolen while he slept.
All this says about the thief
  Is that he is adept.

And he's very, very strange.
  Very strange indeed.
It's not something you'd put down to
  A need for cash or greed.

Charlie says, "I'm outraged by..."
  And falls asleep again.
When he wakes the thief has taken
  His tartan biscuit tin.

The tin is where he kept his hair
  When he didn't use it.
He kept his beard in there as well,
  So he wouldn't lose it.

All this says about Charlie
  Is that he's very strange.
A broken cuckoo clock
  Is where he keeps his change.

He needs to wear his beard right now
  To catch the thief, his bane.
He needs his thinking beard to plan,
  And hair to warm his brain.

He walks around the room in thought.
  He's lost without his beard.
This sad eventuality
  Is what he always feared.

He tries to use his dog
  To replace his facial hair.
But neither of them like it,
  And so his face stays bare.

He sleeps and steps into a dream,
  Where he hopes to solve this case.
But he only dreams about his dog
  Held up to his face.

When he wakes his watch is gone,
  But sunlight fills his head.
The thief has left a gift-wrapped
  Brandy bottle there instead.

The bottle's full, and Charlie smiles.
  The brandy isn't fake.
He makes a toast to a thief
  Who'll give as well as take.

He holds his glass up to the light,
  Forgets his biscuit tin.
With both eyes closed he takes a sip
  And falls asleep again.

For more stupid poems, visit my blog at:
http://i-dont-really-know.blogspot.com