I walked for many days on hills
  And through a mountain gap
Until I came across a town
  Not marked on any map.

I ventured down an alley
  Guarded by an alley cat.
He spoke in broken English
  But I didn't stop to chat.

I found a place to stay
  Above a pub where evil lurked.
The taps poured out brown water
  But at least the damn things worked.

I had a bath and washed my face
  To lose the smell of sweat.
I read the news on my tattoo,
  The forfeit of a bet.

Because I incorrectly called
  The outcome of a race
I had a page of newsprint
  Written on a private place.

I've never bought a paper since.
  The news remains the same.
Politicians work both night
  And day at shifting blame.

I brushed my hair to excavate
  The ancient coins and earth,
And then I had to brush my face
  Till it was free of dirt.

I wore my suit when I went out
  To seek what I could find,
Something burning brightly to
  Illuminate my mind.

I roamed the streets. I passed the homes
  And clubs of ill-repute,
Where everyone has firearms
  And a tendency to shoot

When they perceive an insult
  Or the slightest little slight.
Fights decide who'll be the rightful
  Owner of the night.

I passed the pubs and hubs of vice
  With prices on the door.
All the staff possessed two legs
  And some possessed two more.

I came across a building with
  A dark, foreboding look,
A place where scheming butlers
  Would be murdered by the cook.

Something drew me in,
  Even though I was afraid.
As soon as I set foot inside
  My fear began to fade.

Crystal chandeliers illuminated
  Spacious rooms.
Countless happy dancers let
  The music's jazzy fumes

Affect their minds and bodies
  And their feet became a blur.
The legs of people who were
  Sound asleep began to stir.

Waiters dressed in white served drinks
  To writers who expressed
Their love for one great writer
  And their hatred of the rest.

My stylish new surroundings
  Left me in a happy mood
Until I saw the crazy prices
  Of the drink and food.

A woman there perceived
  The disappointment on my face.
She said she'd make me dinner
  If I went back to her place.

She promised me some wine as well.
  I wouldn't have to pay.
I said I'd be delighted
  And I let her lead the way.

We walked down streets in darkness
  To the other side of town.
It seemed her house was wondering
  If it should topple down.

Inside she started working on
  A late-night meal for two.
She put what looked like beef into
  A pot of Irish stew.

She used a carving knife to cut
  The gravy in a dish.
Dessert was chocolate gateau
  But it smelled a lot like fish.

She made a pot of tea and raked
  Some sugar from the rug.
She evicted all the insects
  Who were living in my mug.

I was shocked. I couldn't quite
  Believe that she would do
So much to make me feel at home.
  Our time together flew.

While she read my tattoo,
  I enjoyed my cup of tea.
This was the nicest dinner
  That I'd ever had for free.