Things have gone downhill at a quite alarming speed,
Since appearing on a TV talent show.
A brand new identity is the one thing that I need.
I hear them laughing everywhere I go.

I've been humiliated. People shout abuse,
And more than just the ones who bear a grudge.
They think I'm thicker than a goldfish or a goose.
Why did I agree to be a judge?

I used to have respect but it's drained away for good,
Because of cutting comments and put-downs.
I thought we'd be admired and respected like we should.
But we've become the sad, pathetic clowns.

The latest act before us is a toaster on a table,
Doing nothing for a minute and a bit.
It doesn't make us toast, even though it's able.
They forgot to put the bread into it.

"That was truly awful," is the comment that I make
When the toaster pops up without the toast.
"You're stupid and as useless as an oven that can't bake.
"Silence is the best thing you can boast."

People say I'm playing to the cameras and I'm cruel.
But I say these things to my own toaster too.
The kettle finds them funny, and the kettle is no fool.
And I only say what I believe is true.