My head looks flat
when my hair gets wet
in the rain.

The top is wetter than the sides,
so the sides stay out
while the top comes down.

People would call me 'flathead'
if I knew people who'd call me names.
And I'd tell them to F off.
That's why I don't know people
who'd call me names.

We drove past two cyclists in yellow coats.
They looked like tourists.
They'll get flattened in this weather,
like the ice cream man I made
and left out in the rain.
I told him to F off too.

We stopped in a town by the sea.
I love the smell of food
from the seafood restaurants.
We had dinner in one of them
and I heard someone say,
"This salad is very, very nice.
I mean, it's very, very nice."
And I said, "What sort of a smell
would you get from a salad?
Not much of a smell,
probably."

We walked around the town in the rain,
past the fast food places and shops.
I could hear the sound of snooker balls
from the snooker hall.
I said,

"Remember in the afternoon
When we were on the lawn
Under sky unscarred by cloud
Since the lights came on at dawn.

"We were visited by neighbours,
Mr. Clancy and his wife.
Neighbours aren't for Christmas;
They're for nearly all your life.

"There's nothing wrong with them
But they can bore a boring hole
Through an August afternoon.
I miss the hours they stole.

"They both had their umbrellas
And they told us of their woes
In a never-ending river of
Expletive-ridden prose,

"Which they read aloud from diaries
As dreary and as dull
As a stony, rainy, much-regretted
Honeymoon in Hull,

"Which featured in their stories.
She was eager to relate
The doubts that shout in honeymoons
About their choice of mate.

"It was either Hull or Cavan
And her husband, Kevin, said
He'd refuse to go to Cavan
Till he's sure he's safely dead.

"So they left here on a ferry
On a very cloudy day.
They offered little chatter
To alleviate the grey.

"They walked around in torrents
Of relentless summer rain.
Some memories are hidden
In the basement of her brain.

"But she dearly loved the weather.
It's her ladder out of life.
The streets of Hull were beautiful
And happy ducks were rife.

"While in Hull they argued
But it beat the silent staring,
Or the crafted acid insults
And selective loss of hearing.

"I wish I had the skill to close
The side doors at my ears.
Or a way to throw their words out
Like my eyes evicting tears.

"My eyes have seen the glory
Of the coming of the gloaming
And the corresponding going
Of the light and then the foaming

"At the mouths of all the werewolves
As a bright full moon appeared.
The man who hunts the werewolves
Has a long and tangled beard.

"He lives up on the mountainside
Within an eerie cave.
He has been known by many names
But to his friends he's 'Dave'.

"Witches then descended
From the hills and mountainsides,
Sent with hate by Satan,
Dressed in black to be his brides.

"Death arrived in silence.
He refused to say a word.
The sound of Mrs. Clancy's voice
Was all that could be heard.

"I longed for Death's dark company.
I couldn't get away
As she told me that her husband
Could make night of any day.

"Her husband stood beside her
And ignored her very well.
He must have built defences
Stronger than a diving bell.

"The sky above wore clothes designed
To quickly scatter crowds,
Putting on its blackest suit
Of terrifying clouds,

"Like it's going to a funeral,
But it's waiting to decide
Whose funeral it'll be.
It was time to hide inside.

"The clouds crept by, and lightning
Tried to make a day of night.
Nature sent its forces out
To take part in a fight.

"Mrs. Clancy smiled because
The rain was coming soon.
She loved the drum machine of rain
That drowned the so-called tune

"That the birds were always singing.
The thought that she might dance
Made me want to take a step away
To Cavan, Hull or France.

"The man who hunts the werewolves
Had a manic looking face.
Panic was in waiting
To erupt around the place.

"Countless little grasshoppers
Joined forces on the ground.
None of us could see them
But we heard their eerie sound.

"There was more of a smell off that
Than you'd get from a salad."

The car was parked near the harbour.
We looked out over the water for a while.
I looked at my hair in the rear-view mirror.
Some people think I'd be better off
wearing a hat or carrying an umbrella,
but they can definitely F off.