Joe would like to find a wife
  To live with him on his small farm,
For life and not just Christmas.
  She'd fall for his peculiar charm.

His brother Jimmy met someone
  And married her last year.
He thinks he is Brad Pitt now,
  Despite his thinning hair,

And all the noises he can make
  Using just his face.
Film stars don't bet on
  Half-drunk hens to win a race.

Joe is on the lookout
  For a wife to make men jealous,
To let them stare in wonder
  And to make them whisper, "Tell us,

"Where can I get one of those?"
  This tale he would relate,
Of a restaurant in Dublin
  On a candle-lit first date,

Where all the waiters look as if
  They'd kill themselves for honour.
One dropped plate or drop of wine
  On clothes and they're a gonner.

But no one would believe it.
  He's not that sort of man.
The only time that he eats out,
  The food comes from a van.

Her eyes would sense his aftershave.
  The smell's so strong it stings,
And he doesn't want a woman
  Who'd expect the best of things,

Someone who'd complain
  If he brought home something dead,
Who constantly sees places
  That she'd never dare to tread.

He wants a simple woman,
  Someone down to earth.
Jimmy's wife wears high heel shoes
  And faints when she sees dirt.

Someone who'll be happy
  With an evening in the pub,
With people who'd get thrown out
  Of a fancy country club,

Those who always look as if
  They've nearly drank too much,
The single men who smell of things
  You wouldn't want to touch.

And those who have to touch the things
  That bring disease and bite,
And those whose brains rely on
  Mental anguish to stay bright.

She wouldn't mind the fights about
  The placing of wire fences.
Jimmy's wife drinks wine each day
  To slightly numb her senses.

The frosted contact lenses
  Only keep so much at bay.
Jimmy likes the way she looks.
  He tells her so each day.

She liked that when they met at first,
  When they were only flirting,
But now she finds his comments
  To be slightly disconcerting.

He has the same affection for
  The way his tractor looks.
He rates the latest models
  In the magazines and books.

And she's worried by his lack of care
  For where he puts his hands.
She won't let him come within
  Two feet of where she stands

Until he has a shower,
  Wears clean clothes and combs his hair,
Till then her eyes and lenses
  Can create a frosty glare.

She has often told him that
  She could have been an actress.
She nearly got a part
  As a woman in a black dress,

Or simply as a woman,
  And nothing more than that.
He could have been on TV
  If he hadn't shot a rat.

Joe's new wife won't be a maid,
  Unpaid for what she does.
He'll tell her every day
  That she gives a higher buzz

Than drink or drugs or digging holes.
  They won't have fights or rows.
He won't teach her to shoot things,
  Or make her milk the cows.

He sees her very clearly,
  But he wonders how he'll find
Someone in the real world
  Like the woman in his mind.

Josephine seems caring
  And she's not afraid of mud,
But Jimmy says she sacrifices
  Chickens and drinks blood.

And even if he moved his search
  Beyond the local area
And met someone who meets with
  Almost all of his criteria,

How would he convince her
  That she should be his wife,
That a farm with its old house
  Is the place to spend her life?

Jimmy says he'll help.
  He says he wrote the book.
He's teaching Joe his chat-up lines
  And working on the look.