The bees were soon made safe
  By a bomb-disposal squad
Who feared their interference
  Would infuriate their God.

But everyone seemed happy
  And the sleek metallic bees
Were wearing smoking jackets
  In the birds' nests in the trees.

Did God make these strange bees?
  They asked themselves this question.
Do normal hives have traffic lights
  That help avoid congestion?

If the bees, instead of stinging,
  Cause explosions, spreading panic,
Is this the Lord's intention
  Or the work of his mechanic?

Could a being made by God
  Make these bees that blacken skies,
That make what they call music
  But to teens sounds more like noise?

Could a being made by God
  Make a man who'd make these bees?
And did he make the mouse whose nose
  Exuded creamy cheese,

Which could be spread on crackers
  And went very well with kiwis.
It made a lovely cheesecake,
  Considering it was free cheese.

The mouse despised the cheese
  That flowed freely from its nose.
Almost every time it sneezed,
  The mouse would soil its clothes.

Did the devil have some input
  In these very strange creations?
Did he make the Shetland pony
  That fills up at petrol stations?

These questions brought concern.
  People feared great foes.
Only prayer and alcohol
  Could ease their inner woes.

Alan made the bees
  And the pony and the mouse.
He works inside the shed
  Right behind his parents' house.

He's fifteen years of age
  And he's very good in school,
But it's in the garden shed
  Where he feels that he can rule.

He's proud of his creations.
  He's good at playing God.
Since Christmas he's been working on
  Amphibious trout and cod.

These things owe their existence
  To the brilliance of his brain.
Holidays with his parents
  Always force him to refrain

From practising his hobby.
  Last year he really missed it.
But he'd give it up if only
  Stacey noticed he existed.

Hermann looked for ways to show
  The love he felt for Kate.
His conclusion was that music
  Was the way to demonstrate

The way she made him feel,
  And she'd feel that way as well.
She got a thrill from orchestras
  And from her own doorbell.

He tried to learn the trumpet
  But he couldn't play a tune
Without scaring farmyard creatures,
  Making cattle jump the moon.

He tried the violin
  And the sound woke up the dead.
An irate pirate spirit
  Swung his hook at Hermann's head.

It passed right through the head
  And it tickled Hermann's brain.
It made him think of Woody Allen
  Singing in the rain.

His single tuba lesson
  Is remembered far and wide.
As the fires were being extinguished
  Many young school children cried.

He finally found his forte
  When he learnt to play the gong,
But it seemed to him the better way
  To woo her was through song.

He'd write the song himself.
  He would take great care to chart
The epic expeditions
  She has started in his heart.

One sultry summer night he'd send
  A text that says 'Please meet me
At the oak tree by the lake',
  Where he'd serenade her sweetly.

It took him twenty days
  To complete his song of love.
When countless sparkling diamonds
  Filled a clear night sky above

They stood next to the lake
  And he took hold of her hand,
And he hoped that this endeavour
  Went exactly as he'd planned.

"I love you more than birds," he sang.
  "I'd gladly give an arm
If I was sure this sacrifice
  Would save your hair from harm.

"You're twenty times as good as hope.
  You're better than world peace.
You make all supermodels
  Seem like very ugly geese.

"It doesn't really matter
  That your father wants to kill me.
Despite his groundless anger
  I am certain we can still be

"The very best of friends.
  We will often drink together,
Watch men chase leather footballs
  In inclement winter weather,

"And shout abuse at players
  Who can barely tie their laces,
And we'll all cheer home the winners
  On a day out at the races.

"As soon as he says sorry
  For suggesting I'm a lout
I'll tell him I regret the time
  I punched him in the mouth.

"I'd do anything for you.
  If you told me I could fly
I'd climb the hill and jump off
  Without asking how or why.

"Many Jacks have done this
  When you play the role of Jill.
Your fashion sense is razor sharp.
  You're always dressed to kill.

"You've never strangled animals,
  Despite what Debbie claims.
She's jealous coz her dress sense
  Never murders, it just maims.

"There is sunshine in your smile.
  There are rain clouds in your frown.
Your lips perform great miracles.
  They cured Jack's broken crown.

"You're always kind to children,
  Except when they start swearing.
What some will see as cruelty
  Is really heart-felt caring.

"You're my guiding light.
  You make my life complete.
Without you I'd be little more
  Than two unhappy feet.

"You've changed me for the better.
  When people get too loud
I now avoid the violence.
  I don't despise a crowd.

"You make me want to join them.
  Without you I'd just beat them.
I love you more than rainbows
  And the crocks of gold beneath them."

She looked down at the ground
  In the silent seconds after
His song came to an end
  But they soon could hear some laughter.

There were people on a boat
  Who had been there all along.
They'd struggled not to laugh
  As they listened to his song.

He was filled with anger,
  And from the old oak tree
He broke a branch and threw it
  As the laughter ceased to be.

The people on the boat could see
  The branch fly through the sky
So they took evasive action
  To allow the branch pass by.

Their manoeuvres were successful,
  Yet still were ill-advised.
They all fell in the water
  When their rowing boat capsized.

Kate could only smile
  And she looked into his eyes,
As if this was a carnival
  And he'd won her a prize.

This was really Hermann,
  The man she loved so much,
The man who'd punched her father
  After stealing someone's crutch.

The homeless man played his guitar
Beneath the spotlight of a star.
He said that everyone possesses
A star whose light would always bless us,

And even though its light was dim
This darkness clearly suited him.
It left him free to wear old clothes
And grow long hair down from his nose,

And only wash in summer months
In rivers where those folk in punts
Could watch him as he had his bath.
He could house mice in his hat,

And let insects live on his person.
He was free to rant and curse an'
Shout his theories on why toenails
Can be used as seeds to grow whales.

He'll try to sell a self-made seed
And no one will pay any heed.
He thrives in his star's dim spotlight.
He's free to fail and fall at night.

The glare of bright lights highlights flaws,
Breaches of unwritten laws.
Each mistake is magnified.
There's nowhere for a stain to hide.

You'd always wonder if your being
Really was a sight worth seeing.
He said it's best to live at night,
Outside the unforgiving light,

And let stars light your eyes with wonder,
Forget you've got to play roles under-
Neath the spotlights in the sky.
Gaze at distant worlds up high.

You can't compete with outer space.
It's got more features than your face.
He said in darkness he could hide.
There's so much more to see outside.

On Daisy's birthday, Dermot's gift
Of frozen chicken caused a rift.
She said, "This gift is just as bad
As that umbrella for your Dad,

"And tins of peaches for your mother.
You bought paper for your brother.
At his party you annoyed me,
Always standing right beside me,

"Talking loudly all night long,
Gladly ruining every song.
No one there was sorry that you
Lost some brain when you said 'achoo'.

"The bits of brain were borne away
By tiny worker ants who may
Have kept the brain bits on their heads
While they were resting in their beds.

"They started to behave like you,
Getting drunk and using glue
To stick the feet of other ants
To the stems and leaves of plants.

"They told crude jokes about bad dates
When body parts get stuck in gates.
Only they themselves would laugh,
And they'd remain blind to this gaffe.

"Yet they'd point out each gaffe they saw
In other ants. The smallest flaw
Would be exposed to ridicule,
Which often was prolonged and cruel.

"These ants were loud. They talked a lot.
They smelled of sweat when it was hot.
They couldn't sing. They couldn't dance.
They looked down on most other ants.

"One was so devoid of tact
The other ants just had to act.
To show him just how much they hate him
They covered him in jam and ate him."

Some slight remorse was all she sought.
It looked like he was deep in thought.
He said, "I wonder where I put
That cheese I found stuck to my foot."

My uncle Colin possessed great will power.
He waded through sewers to grow a blue flower.
He happily did this in his later years.
You might think his brain was stuck in lower gears.

But he did it all for this flower he was given.
It didn't like sunlight and it wouldn't live in
The basement with mushrooms because they were lowly.
The glasshouse tomatoes were far too unholy.

The only place that the blue flower would thrive
Was down in the sewer. To keep it alive
Colin spent hours in the sewer every day.
Its colour began as a dull bluish grey,

But it became vibrant, as blue as the sky.
The sight of it left Colin wondering why
Some people love to spend spare time outdoors
Walking for miles on the hills' grassy floors,

And others stay in. They sit and they stare
At TV banality until their armchair
Becomes one more under-used bodily part.
The only bit that hasn't stalled is the heart.

Colin was perfectly happy below
In sewers where his favourite flower would grow.
Its petals provided a blue sky on days
When threatening rain clouds blocked out the sun's rays.

And even on fine days the flower's sky was bluer.
Its scent overpowered the smell of the sewer.
Watching it growing was much more exciting
Than films where men wielding sabres start fighting.

Its pace was much slower than 'Die Hard' or 'Speed',
But its many plot turns required constant heed.
And it flowered into a beautiful ending,
A sight that would easily justify spending

So many hours in the sewers where rats
Were so big they'd often pretend to be cats
And fool nice old ladies whose eyesight was bad,
Who'd give the big rats all the cat food they had.

Each day Colin's shoes needed washing with hoses,
But he still believed that his life smelled of roses.
The blue flower made up for life's trials and its smell.
A small piece of heaven was brighter than hell.