Gwen's Christmas List

Gwen would like less of the strain and the stress,
  But things will turn out calm and bright.
As Christmas draws nearer you'll frequently hear her
  Reciting a list late at night.

Her list comes in handy. It's better than brandy
  For clearing her mind of the fog.
Without it she'd buy an enormous mince pie,
  And antlers with lights for the dog.

She'd smile at her pet. The rest she'd forget,
  The hundreds of jobs to complete,
The cleaning, the mopping, the hazardous shopping
  In merciless blizzards and sleet,

The arduous baking resulting in aching,
  Repetitive strain injuries.
The lights need great labours. Competitive neighbours
  Have polar terrain in their trees.

Their land of fake snow has a glimmering glow.
  It's visible for many miles.
The luminous igloo is home to a big crew
  Of elves wearing up-to-date styles.

The huge plastic Santa would struggle to grant a
  Request for a doll or a train.
There's sadness in seeing this globe-trotting being
  With trend-setting elves in the rain,

Stuck in a tree to display manic glee.
  The tree house contains Mrs. Claus.
Some say she's raving, mechanically waving,
  But no one knows why she has paws.

Gwen buys the lights that surprise winter nights.
  Her husband arranges their show.
He faces the grim breeze on luminous chimneys
  That imitate dawn's warming glow.

There's much to be doing while Gavin is screwing
  The thousands of light bulbs in place.
No item is missed when exhausting the list,
  Competing with time in a race.

Words must be written on cards with a kitten
  Who's dressed up as Santa to fuel
The soul's central heating. A seasonal greeting
  Can make someone stop being cruel.

Friends and relations infuse these occasions
  With laughter and warm festive cheer.
Dwindling supplies can extinguish their joys.
  The mood runs on mulled wine and beer.

The one way to master her fear of disaster
  Is buying enough drink for dozens.
This guideline applies to the biscuits she buys.
  They'll satisfy ravenous cousins.

Last year their lighting was fresh and exciting.
  The roof was acclaimed as outstanding.
A luminous Rudolf looked like he approved of
  The snow army's sly rooftop landing.

Tiny snow soldiers had straps on their shoulders
  For parachutes so they could drop,
Softly, like snowflakes, unlike rain with no brakes.
  They looked like a cloud's bumper crop.

They lit up at night to exhibit their might.
  Gavin felt well-founded pride.
The kids helped as well. When one soldier fell,
  They lifted the patient inside.

Amy wrapped tinsel around her red pencil.
  Ben thought fake snow helped the mood.
They noticed their mother looked bothered. She'd shudder
  When she was considering food.

She thought of their oven and how she would shove in
  A turkey who's grossly obese.
These birds are unheeding of her eager pleading.
  They're obstinate when they're deceased.

She thought of the fruit-cakes, the sweet things and toothaches,
  The biscuits extending their greeting.
Hoodwinked by puddings, all manner of good things
  That trick us into over-eating.

She'd need strength and patience when hungry relations
  Arrive early on Christmas Day.
They'd eat all before them to battle with boredom
  While children contentedly play.

She knew she'd be stressed and deprived of her rest.
  Cooking for twelve would be trying.
They might truly hate what they find on the plate,
  But thankfully they're good at lying.

Ben's Letter to Santa

The lights on the tree and the snow soldiers' glow
Delighted the kids with their bright festive show.
Amy kept smiling and Ben would start singing
When thinking of what Mr. Claus would be bringing.

One thing for certain, the words 'reindeer sweater'
Would not be appearing in his Santa letter.
He'd plenty of sweaters, twenty too many,
Given by aunties or knitted by granny.

Ben made a list of the things he would like.
The first was a football. The last was a bike,
And in between these were ten pages of toys,
Like big Lego tigers with green Day-Glo eyes.

He set about cutting out things he'd abandon.
The first was a top hat a fat dog could stand on.
But it wasn't easy to choose the right train.
He thought he'd go crazy with toys on his brain.

One day in school he consulted a friend.
He told Jack about the short list he must send.
Jack started laughing and shaking his head.
He did this for several minutes and said,

"I thought you'd have figured the truth out by now,
That doubt would have triggered a straightforward 'how?'.
How does he travel so fast and so far?
Does he have a licence for even a car?

"They say he can go round the world in one night,
His sleigh pulled by reindeer who've taken up flight,
Despite a complete lack of wings or propellers,
There to be shot down by angry toy-sellers.

"And he enters houses by going down chimneys,
Even when owners would gladly lend him keys.
He's famously fat. This can't help his cause.
My granddad Seamus looks like Santa Claus,

"And he needs a stair-lift to get up the stairs.
Sometimes he struggles to stand up from chairs.
Chimneys don't come with convenient lifts,
Or ladders for people delivering gifts.

"With so many chimneys and rooftop ice-skating,
Grim news on his knees would surely be waiting
When he sees his doctor to treat aching limbs.
He'd be sent for gym work to make sure he slims.

"They tell us he uses his magical powers
To visit all houses, from shacks to stone towers,
But this is a lie. I've seen through their ruse.
I know why the truth isn't shown on the news.

"When Santa's deciding who's naughty or nice,
He won't ask the elves to provide their advice.
He tries to make certain that no one is missed.
All of our names are on his 'naughty' list,

"Apart from the names of a handful of children
Whose parents are given a landfill to build in,
Kids whose great deeds include saving a whale,
Saints who fight greed when not feeding the frail.

"Parents would like us to keep on believing
So we'll be convinced we've a chance of receiving
A present from Santa Claus on Christmas morning.
Parents know this is why we'll heed their warning

"To be well-behaved while the sleigh bells are ringing,
While log-fires are lighting and choirs are singing
The old Christmas carols we're learning in class,
While people have fake plastic snow on their grass.

"The truth is we'll always have too many flaws.
We'll never be good enough for Santa Claus.
He's not the great generous, jolly toy-giver.
He only has eight or nine gifts to deliver."

Ben spent some time contemplating this claim,
Looking for ways he could clear Santa's name,
But not even one minor flaw could be found.
He had to concede that this theory was sound.

Amy was stunned when he told her the reason
Why Santa gets all his work done in one season.
She said she was bothered and taken aback.
She knew there was truth in this theory from Jack.

It seemed as if Santa and his team of reindeer
Would not meet the soldiers or plastic elves chained here.
Amy and Ben had thought he understood
That they really cared and they tried to be good,

Even though they have been known for behaviour
That made their aunt Tabitha pray to her saviour.
When she's looking after her nephew and niece,
They laugh when she threatens to call the police.

They'd often imagined when Santa examined
The time Amy claimed that a man made of jam went
Around the front rooms with a mischievous plan.
She blamed curtain stains on this blackcurrant man.

They used to believe that he'd laugh at this lie,
And smile at their tale about half of a pie,
The bit that was stolen by robbers or robots
Who steal pies and donuts. If threatened they throw pots.

They now saw that Santa's considered reaction
Would certainly be one of dissatisfaction.
A permanent place on the list for law-breakers
Was laying in wait for the lying pie-takers.

But they couldn't give up their dream of acquiring
A present the magic reindeer in the sky bring.
They made it their mission to take drastic measures
And enter the league of elite little treasures.

They started by stopping insulting each other.
They worked hard at helping their father and mother,
Doing the dishes as well as they could,
Glad to be trusted with spoons made of wood.

They visited elderly neighbours and listened
To stories of mornings when icicles glistened
On noses and toes as they journeyed to school,
Walking four miles in the frost like a fool.

Amy and Ben never wavered from doing
The things they detested. With good deeds accruing
They felt they were nearing their glorious goal,
A place on the list with the kids who mine coal.

Christmas Eve

On Christmas Eve, as darkness fell,
  The carol singers called around
To demonstrate their insulating,
  Decorated wall of sound.

They sang and then departed
  To distribute more festivity,
And tender heartfelt sentiments
  A singer stores and gives for free,

Specifically in places
  Where a poverty of charity
Inhibits all exuberance
  And makes some people guarantee

That in their hospitality
  They'll emphasise the 'hospital',
Where Christmas puddings shrivel
  In a tiny bowl a wasp would fill.

Ben and Amy watched their mother
  Anxiously peruse her list,
Terrified her thankless task
  Would come to grief because she'd missed

A critical ingredient,
  And dinner guests would be aghast.
She knew she would be stressed until
  Saint Stephen's Day arrived at last.

Gavin spent some time replacing
  Lights that lost their inner glow
And fixing decorations that
  Were in a war with sleet and snow.

He revelled in the heat he felt
  When on the 'Welcome' mat inside.
He sat down by the fireplace
  And felt completely satisfied.

After some disparaging
  Remarks about the soldiers' skills.
He told the kids his father's tales
  Of seeing blizzard shows on hills,

Of carolling at caravans
  In hurricanes that foster woes
And lights that ran on paraffin
  Illuminating Rudolf's nose.

He said this festive season
  Was a marathon and not a sprint.
The Christmas tree was dressed in lights.
  The angel's eye began to glint.

Ben believed that this must be
  Her way to say they'd made the list.
This would be ignored by any
  Self-respecting fatalist.

They left some beer and biscuits out
  For Santa Claus that Christmas night,
But not enough to make him pause
  Before the fire and miss his flight.

They went to bed and tried to keep
  The glow of dreams from lighting rooms
In sleepy heads while Santa's sled
  Was generating sonic booms.

They couldn't stay awake for long,
  Despite a very strong defence
Against the slow advance of sleep
  That keeps them from the best events.

They both woke up at six o' clock
  When they could hear their mother's words
As she implored the turkey to
  Cooperate like other birds.

They ran downstairs and found the tree
  Protecting gifts from thieving hands.
They'd made the list, like saintly kids
  Promoting peace in distant lands.

Ben was overjoyed to find
  He got his train and plenty tracks.
He thought he'd heard its whistle blow
  Last night when Santa emptied sacks.

He'd gladly spend all Christmas Day
  Just playing with the signal box
And eating chocolate polar bears
  That Santa left in big red socks.

Amy was delighted with
  The doll who said 'My name is Kath'.
Kath would wet her clothing and
  Was glad to take the blame for that.

They went to mass that morning
  And they tried to look self-satisfied
To tell their friends their appetites
  For toys had all been gratified.

They smiled like cats who've just acquired
  The finest cream a feline knows.
It comes from cows who graze in fields
  Where summer winds will ease their woes.

But Ben and Amy were surprised
  To see their friends with sunny smiles,
Despite displaying sweaters
  Made in fluffy Easter bunny styles.

Jack said he heard Santa trip
  And rant about the boat he sold.
Underneath the tree he left
  A fork-lift truck, remote controlled.

Barry got a bike despite
  The decent deeds that he'll evade.
Animals are scared of him
  And they are right to be afraid.

Ben kept thinking of his friends
  And how they'd made the grade despite
A need to treat encounters with
  Glasshouses as displays of might.

He wished he hadn't wasted time
  With neighbours who complain all day.
A minute's vacuum cleaning
  Seemed to make an evening drain away.

But then a notion dawned on him:
  He'd benefit from worthy deeds.
He'd built up plenty credit
  Being sensitive to other's needs.

And he could use his credit now,
  A gift from which he'd never run,
A licence for the greatest feat
  Of misbehaviour ever done.

People will be terrified
  Of water bombs and prams with cats.
Clothes will stink of something that
  Will trigger thoughts of vampire bats.

After they came home from mass
  The kids became engrossed again
In toys until the relatives
  Arrived with tales of ghostly men.

Granddad said he saw these men
  Fix Santa's sleigh, like pit-stop crews.
Cousins showed off presents brought
  With chocolate bars in socks and shoes.

Dinner was a great success.
  Gwen began to feel at ease.
Ben considered scaring crowds
  And hoarding unappealing cheese.