They call it a spell or a stretch or a snap.
The average road is a treacherous trap.
Drivers leave ditches enveloped in ice,
Parking there based on their sat nav's advice.

Sermons from snowmen are going unheeded.
A post-Christmas diet is urgently needed,
But certainly not a compulsory fast.
Stocks of essentials are being amassed:

Big stacks of toothpicks for teeth after eating
The ten bags of Chip Stix for heart-warming heating,
And good anti-freezes like brandy and malt.
The neighbours are borrowing sugar and salt.

The sorrowful robins are borrowing bread.
Blackbirds need brioche before they're well-fed.
Magpies eat mince pies and big plates of peas.
Orderly crows will form queues for blue cheese.

Northerly breezes shoot razor-sharp arrows.
Creatures in burrows will envy the sparrows.
People who hibernate in the Bahamas
Will not need to purloin new fur-lined pyjamas.

The weather forecast couldn't be more exciting
If they dressed in leather and danced in strobe lighting
While bleakly reciting the negative figures
With maps showing snow clouds and fingers on triggers.

On tree trunks the cold frost can sink its sharp teeth.
I've seventeen blankets defending my feet,
And long johns long gone past their pristine condition.
Foolhardy nocturnal poachers gone fishin'

Receive the reproach of a vigilant cop
And thieves who take their frozen fish from a shop.
A sensible person takes hot drinks and slumbers
While temperatures tumble to curious numbers.

Ice queens and snowmen fight demons in dreams.
They roam on the plains in their powerful teams.
Screams come from snow-covered homes in the gloom.
Ominous ice cream van music brings doom.

At nightfall the spirits are starting to fret.
This frightful bad weather is colder than death.
Chattering teeth muffle bitter refrains.
Shivering spirits hold quivering chains.

I hear them when I stay inside by the fire.
I keep burning coal till I start to perspire.
My hair is a haven for ashes and soot.
I can't hide my pride at the smell from my foot.

The water's been frozen for over a week.
I'll never complain about how things are bleak,
Or grumble about the high cost of a plumber.
I'll save my supply of complaints for the summer.