Gary and Emma
  Are bored as they wait
For Santa to come
  On his usual date.

This year there's no snare
  And no traps in the snow.
Their names aren't on
  Santa's list under 'foe'.

He knows they've been naughty
  And nowhere near nice,
But they haven't been evil
  On Aunt Sue's advice.

Elvis appeared late one night
  To their auntie
They said he couldn't
  But she said, "Why can't he?"

Gary and Emma
  No longer believe
That Elvis exists.
  Their Aunt Sue would grieve

If somebody told her
  The king wasn't real.
They listened in silence
  To auntie's appeal.

She told them that Elvis
  Appeared on behalf
Of Santa himself,
  Who was short of elf staff.

His message for Gary
  And Emma was that
He won't come again
  If they steal his red hat,

Or glue his black boots
  To the floor in the hall,
Or staple his beard,
  Or throw a snow ball

Into his face while
  His arms are still full,
Or lead his reindeer
  To a field with a bull,

Or leave sharp thumbtacks
  On the chair by the fire,
And if there's an absolute
  Need for trip-wire,

At least leave 'beware' signs
  For Santa to see.
And don't expose wires
  In the lights on the tree.

Santa's aware that
  He's said this before.
He's used the same warning
  For three years or more.

But this time he means it,
  Their very last chance.
Their presents will go to
  Some rich kids in France.

They'll have to make do
  With a stick or a nail.
Or gifts bought in Aldi
  And Lidl on sale.

A bald teddy bear
  From a secondhand store,
A mouldy old doll
  With an eye on the floor.

While the good kids next door
  Get their green billiards table.
They pray every night
  To the child in the stable.

Gary and Emma's
  New plans are undone.
Their aunt is determined
  To ruin all their fun.

She seemed so excited.
  Her wonder-lit eyes
Were frequently trained
  On the cold star-filled skies,

Looking for Elvis.
  She hopes for a sighting,
A glimpse of the king
  In the countless stars' lighting.

They'd love to dig holes
  To make traps, but they can't.
They have to be nice
  Just to humour their aunt.

They think they'd ruin Christmas
  For her if they went
Against the instructions
  Supposedly sent

From Santa through Elvis
  And their Auntie Sue.
That's why this cold Christmas
  Is coloured in blue.

This year they had hoped
  To record Santa scream.
For at least the next year
  It'll stay just a dream.

But it's worthwhile pretending
  That Elvis was here.
Aunt Sue always brings
  The best presents each year.