We're here tonight at a country manor.
  I'd like to introduce our host.
Cecil's get-togethers are always full of life,
  Despite the fact that he's a ghost.

"We're all ghosts, people of the night.
  And scaring people is just what we do.
"Occasionally we like to just look and laugh,
  And we talk to the zombies about you.

"Gathered here tonight are all the local dead.
  Dracula's reclining on the couch.
"Our friend Frankenstein is our comedy act.
  He stands on his head and says 'ouch'.

"A witch tries to use her broom to fall down the stairs.
  Before her attempt she's taking bets.
"Our local politician goes around the room,
  Offering us condolences on our deaths."

Cecil greets his guests. "How are you tonight?"
  "Very very well. Thank you very much.
"I couldn't miss this evening; it's always so much fun.
  Though I'm not really me, or really here as such.

"Part of me is in the room just across the hall,
  Where you have the ham sandwiches on a plate.
"The man eating all of them looks to be alive.
  I asked when he died but he didn't know the date."

Cecil goes across to him, says, "You're alive.
  You don't even know your date of death.
"Tonight is just for ghosts and those without a heart,
  And I don't believe we've ever even met."

"I'm as dead as anyone, even when I lived.
  That's what my friends have always said."
"I can't just take your word; you'll need some proof,
  And there's an easy way to show you're dead."

Cecil gets his breathalyser, says to his guest,
  "Would you mind blowing into this, please."
The guest does just as Cecil asks.
  With a stagger and a cough and a wheeze.

"You're three times over the legal limit.
  You are alive, as I guessed.
"Kindly leave us now. Drive home with care.
  The driveway's full of holes but do your best."

The politician says, "This'll never stand in court.
  There are many legal reasons to object.
"You can't just test each and everyone you meet.
  You need to know he's drunk, or just suspect.

"You suspected he'd been breathing and had a working brain.
  You didn't think he'd drunk a drop at all.
"We all know he's alive and a bit inebriated.
  But legally that's where your case would fall."

Cecil thought about it, and said to his guest,
  "Alright, you can stay, I suppose.
"You can have a glass of wine, but don't eat all the cakes,
  And don't ask Frankenstein to eat his toes."