His scam is very simple.
A baby in a pram
Could say 'ooh' or 'goo' or 'ik',
Meaning 'I've got this fantastic scam'.

Then using various 'ah's and 'ba's
Explain the plan in simple terms,
Moving arms and legs around,
Wiggling fingers like earth worms.

Mam and Dad will just say 'goo'
Or 'Who's a clever little boy?',
And baby thinks they'll write it down.
But they don't. That's why he'll cry.

Willie's scam is selling ice
Supposedly from somewhere cold.
He likes the hint of Irishness
In selling Greenland's pure white gold.

Some is from Antarctica.
With 'Penguin Spit' in every pack.
That might just be a mis-print.
I'd try to get my money back.

The crazy cost of farming ice
Where ice bergs form and lands are flat
Inflates the price of every pack,
And global warming adds to that.

When Mam and Daddy hold a glass
And say to little baby boy,
"This ice is from where Santa lives,"
Straightaway he'll scream and cry.

He knows it's really from the tap
And made in someone's kitchen freezer.
Someone's making lots of cash.
And baby thought he'd be that geezer.

A woman buys a bag of ice.
Her name is Ruth. Or maybe Clare.
She finds a Lego brick in it.
The penguins didn't leave it there.

The scam comes to a sudden end.
The baby boy no longer cries.
Willie has to hide for now.
He walks the streets in his disguise.

The police have never thought to search
For a man who looks like Groucho Marx,
Or wondered why when he's around,
Their German Shepherd always barks.