She lives in a picturesque house by the coast.
She sings a sweet song to the world when she wakes,
But the thing Mrs. Plantisglove loves doing most
Is trying out various ways to make cakes.

She's writing a recipe book and she hopes
That one day she'll look in a bookshop and see,
Amongst new releases on leaders and Popes,
A book she can point at and say, "That's by me."

And Mrs. O'Mara will see it there too
And say 'well done' or 'I'm pleased' or just 'yeah'.
She won't really mean it, but still it'll do.
Mrs. P's thanks will mean 'up yours' or 'ha!'.

A few years ago, on a weekend in June,
Mrs. P made her best cakes for a fete
In a village nearby on a bright afternoon,
But she just associates dark with the date.

She hoped to have sold all her cakes within minutes
To hungry young kids and to jaded old ladies
Who need something perfectly sweet till the gin hits.
They'd finish her cakes, unlike Mrs. O'Grady's.

But Mrs. O'Mara stepped over a line,
With marketing ploys that were certainly fake.
Over her stall she assembled a sign,
In big bright red letters, the words 'Crack Co-cake'.

She sold carrot cake and the odd apple pie.
They weren't that great, everyone agreed.
It was like at the flower show where no one knew why
Her flowers won a prize when her sign just said 'Weed'.

Her stall was emptied of cakes straightaway,
But she had some more in the back of a van.
She brought out more cakes throughout that June day.
Her marketing ploy was one part of a plan.

Everyone knew there was nothing illegal
Contained in the cakes, just flour, eggs and stuff,
But people became like a blood-thirsty beagle
Pursuing a fox with a tally-ho woof.

Poor Mrs. Plantisglove just sold a few.
Her customers were all extremely impressed.
One was a well-known TV chef who
Said that with cake-making talent she's blessed.

As she was preparing to leave for her house
A little Jack Russell got sick near her stall.
He'd probably eaten an out-of-date mouse,
Or eaten too much before chasing a ball.

But Mrs. P's image took a slight beating.
She made her own sign on the following year,
Depicting a smiling small dog who was eating
A beautiful cake which she painted with care.

But Mrs. O'Mara out-did her again
With her 'Birthday Suit Cake', as displayed on a sign
That showed a young woman wearing a grin.
If she wore clothes they were thinner than twine.