I'm sick of playing snooker
Coz I keep explaining why
When I tried to do a trick shot
The cue ball hit my eye.

I didn't see the funny side
But all my friends insisted
That the funny side existed.
They said I must have missed it.

But I can't believe in it
Till I see it for myself.
They've never seen a troll, an orc,
A goblin or an elf,

But they believe in all these things
And many more besides.
They live in fear of bright full moons
And haunted fairground rides.

And they believe in ghosts
But they've seen a lot of these.
They've tried to build a trap
But the ghosts won't go for cheese.

One of them saw Santa
But he knows it wasn't real.
It was just a ghost, he says,
Who came at night to steal.

I believe in gravity
Even though it can't be seen.
If gravity wasn't there
There would be no Mr. Bean,

No waterfalls, no skiing.
There would be no pancake-tossing.
We wouldn't fear the danger
Of an Alpine mountain crossing.

I'd believe in poltergeists
If lights began to break,
If the furniture would move
And the chandelier would shake.

I'd believe in funny sides
If they could make me laugh
When I tear a snooker table
Or make a social gaffe.

I drifted down the river
In a row boat built for three,
But there were only two.
I played the part of 'me'.

And a woman played herself
As we staged 'Just Me and You'.
Three would be a crowd.
One would be too few.

She had strong religious views.
She believed the funny side
Was essential to her soul.
She held these views with pride.

Her parents were believers.
All her life they had been strict.
The funny side's existence
No one dared to contradict.

I pretended to believe.
I told her I felt blessed.
My effort-fuelled forced laughter
Seemed to set her mind at rest.

When my new shoes got wet
On embarking from the boat.
We laughed for many minutes.
The effort hurt my throat.

And when a bee attacked me
As we picnicked near a tree,
Laughter was my only
Self-defence against the bee.

But when a passing spaniel
Tried to steal a small cream cake,
My well-maintained pretence
Seemed at last to crack and break.

I pulled a gun and pointed it
Right at the doggie's head.
The spaniel changed his plans
And he very swiftly fled.

She didn't see the funny side.
She stared with ice-cold eyes.
She'd never be my laughing bride.
We just exchanged goodbyes.