They first met at a party
  And they got on very well.
She laughed at his impression
  Of a drunken William Tell.

They both did poor impressions
  Of a person who could dance
While remaining unaffected
  By the alcohol's advance.

The alcohol kept dancing
  In their heads for many hours,
Eliminating any need
  For dinner dates and flowers.

They woke up with each other.
  He still felt passion's flame,
Even as he struggled
  To remember her first name.

He knew that getting names wrong
  Was a certain path to harm.
But then he read 'Samantha'.
  It was tattooed on his arm.

He laughed and shook his head,
  But she said 'Oh God no!'
When she looked at her left arm
  And she read the short word 'Joe'.

"Alan will be angry
  When he sees this new tattoo."
This is what she said to Joe
  And he said, "Alan who?"

"Alan is an ex," she said.
  "He plays bass in a band.
I told him that we're finished
  But he doesn't understand.

"I told him this six months ago.
  He's still insanely jealous.
He thinks I'm playing hard to get
  To let him know what hell is.

"He's acting like a devil,
  Even more than normal.
He's never far from anger.
  His raging mental storm'll

"Result in someone suffering
  A fatal injury.
When he starts to punch a wall
  Even fearless Ninjas flee.

"Gigs descend to violence
  Near the end of their first song.
The longest song they've written
  Is just thirty seconds long.

"Most of their loyal fans
  Only go to gigs to fight.
Some are just exuberant,
  And some are not quite right.

"Alan only values things
  That can be made to bleed.
But there's no need to worry.
  I doubt if he can read.

"He might not comprehend the fact
  That he's become an ex,
But he uses X to sign his name,
  And when he's signing cheques

"Some people will object,
  So he'll write the X in blood,
Using someone else's.
  That's why his X is mud."

Joe was filled with terror.
  She could read it in his eyes.
He had formed a mental image
  Of the painful way he dies.

After going out with Alan
  She was glad to meet a man
Who was able to feel fear.
  So she came up with a plan.

Despite the night being lost within
  A foggy haze of booze.
She was able to remember
  Where they'd gotten their tattoos.

She went back to this place.
  It was on the second floor,
Above a Chinese take-away
  With dragons on the door.

She told the tattoo artist
  That she wanted something new:
A 'Billy' and an 'l'
  To surround the 'Joe' tattoo.

Alan saw her arm
  And someone told him what it said.
Thoughts of Billy Joel
  Filled him with a sense of dread.

He said, "This isn't easy,
  But I think we've reached the end.
We've no future as a couple
  But you'll always be a friend."

She sighed and said, "You might be right.
  I feared this day would come.
This news will make my Gran cry
  And will be a shock to Mum."

Joe could advertise his love
  By showing his tattoo.
He didn't need long sleeves
  Or the nametag that said 'Hugh'.