Happy and carefree, content with his lot:
Some of the many things Barry was not.
At peace with his hat, at war with his head.
He stood in his garden one evening and said,

"Beam me up Scotty or Sooty or Sweep."
He stood with his eyes closed till he fell asleep,
And dreamt of a woman who rolled two red dice
And spoke these wise words in a beautiful voice:

"If something is true it can also be false.
Boxing can also be seen as a waltz.
Black can be white, and white can be blue.
Pigs can fly airplanes and dogs can say moo."

When Barry emerged from his sleep is was night,
But he saw his life in a different light.
Beautiful women undoubtedly love him.
And yes, they avoid him. They think he's above them.

He's seen as a charming young prince, not a toad.
The portable TV is meant to explode.
The carpet got sick and the door broke itself.
The kitchen's graffiti was done by an elf.

'Loser' and 'tosser' are terms of endearment.
He didn't embarrass himself in a beer tent.
Crying in public's no reason for shame
If most of the onlookers don't know your name.

His trousers did not fall to ground on the street.
He rose above them with two floating feet.
The woman who threw a black cat in his face
Meant to invite him around to her place.

It's obvious that she's his number-one fan.
The diamonds he bought in the back of a van
Aren't just glass. His Monet is real.
In buying his Van Gogh he got a great deal.

His last driving test didn't have a slight hitch,
And he didn't crash his Dad's car in a ditch.
He just re-designed it to make it more flat.
Great car designers would praise him for that.

But still there's one thing that he just can't avoid.
His most recent girlfriend assuredly lied
When she said, "I'm leaving this country for good.
I've just got a job offer in Hollywood.

"They want me to star in a film with Tom Hanks.
I'm playing a nun who smokes weed and robs banks."
He's not searched for her. He's not keeping tabs,
But he saw her at work in a shop selling crabs.