Billy has spent half his life far from home.
The sea has instilled a compulsion to roam,
Drinking and fighting in faraway ports,
Occasionally waking to face local courts.

But then he meets Eve and he sees it's now time
For settling down. With her he will rhyme.
His needs a new look. Of that there's no doubt.
He won't win her heart when he's smelling of trout.

He found an old book, a guide to good fashion,
The looks that would lead to ignition of passion.
He reads it and heeds its advice on his clothes,
His glass eye is beautifully tinted with rose.

He thinks his new look is unlikely to fail.
His new mullet hair style resists a strong gale,
With a must-have moustache, just like Magnum PI's.
His shirts are so bright they make visual noise.

He hopes to impress her by wearing white trousers.
He gives up his theories on life to espouse hers.
He says that she's right to say angels surround us.
With their advanced sense of smell they have found us.

Leprechauns hide an abundance of riches.
Electric light switches are small little witches.
Saint Patrick prevented the wildlife from speaking.
Her first cousin Anthony only goes streaking

To make a bold statement on life as it is
In these modern days. It's losing its fizz.
She believes garden gnomes talk late at night.
She witnessed them smoking and flying a kite.

All of his efforts deliver rewards.
His new enhanced presence plays beautiful chords
In the unique concert hall in her head.
Her presence hums a sweet tune in his shed.

But there's one last hurdle to them being together
That makes her like chalk when he is the cheddar.
She's been engaged for a year to a man
Who used to proclaim he's her number one fan.

But recently she started feeling some doubt
About the expressions of love that come out,
Straight from the word-shop inside of his brain.
The elves working in it sound tired and in pain.

And some have been fired. He's saying much less.
The last time he made a remark on her dress
Was three months ago, before they had dined.
Hugh wondered if the dress-maker was blind.

Most of his comments are laden with bile.
She used to react with a motherly smile.
She thought he was innocent, sheltered from bad,
And ignorant of the effect his words had.

But now she suspects that he's full to the brim
With bitterness, anger and everything grim.
Very few dudes can do feuds like he does.
Life has its fizz; he gets a great buzz

From shouting and fighting and being a menace,
Delighting in beating his brother at tennis.
His brother is twelve. He once won a set.
Hugh broke his racket in two on the net.

She goes to see Hugh. She tells him the truth,
That, in effect, he's getting the boot.
She's leaving him for someone else, someone who
Doesn't make fun of her cat, unlike Hugh.

She thinks he'll be glad that their knot is untied.
He'll cast someone else for the role of his bride.
Open auditions should keep him content.
He's free to go mad after fasting in lent.

But he vows revenge on his luckless replacement.
He's looking unhinged, as if in his basement
He's set up a lab where he'll gladly go mad,
Advancing the science of all that is bad.

Hugh thought he'd meet this man, then watch him flee,
But when he confronts his new arch enemy
It feels like he's facing a human-like rock,
Or a door made of oak and he's too scared to knock.

The door has a peep-hole in Billy's glass eye.
It gives Hugh the feeling that darkness is nigh.
He wants to escape, but he has to save face
And hope it's not scattered all over the place.

He says he just wanted to shake Billy's hand,
To show that he's holding no hard feelings and
He hopes they'll be friends, and Billy agrees.
Hugh's mind is filling with loud killer bees.

Fighting would normally let the bees out.
Sometimes they ride on the words from his mouth.
But now Hugh is stuck with a mental bee hive.
He forces a smile and the killer bees thrive.