Kevin was sharing a house with two friends
And his brother William, or Willie, who tends
To laugh at a lot of the things that he sees,
From strawberry yoghurt to his uncle's knees.

He laughed at a clown on the run down a street,
Chased by ten puppies who wanted his feet.
Forty-eight hours after seeing this sight
Willie still laughed. Even at night

He laughed in his sleep at the clown in his dreams
While some of his housemates invented grand schemes
To have him deported to El Salvador.
They pictured him waking on some foreign shore.

At times they believed that his laugh would soon cease.
They cherished the prospect of silence and peace.
They no longer wished they were like Helen Keller.
The laughter slowed down like an airplane propeller

After the airplane has ground to a halt,
A time for bad fliers to cheer and exalt.
The housemates were happy as he taxied in,
Till his laughter engine was switched on again.

They asked Mrs. Burt from next door for a plan
To turn Willie into a humourless man,
And thus end the misery that his laughter brought.
She was well known for the speed of her thought.

Her sister could cycle so fast that her feet
Were just a red blur as she sped down the street.
But she often crashed at a wall or a gate,
And Mrs. Burt's schemes met a similar fate.

For Willie she came up with this simple scheme:
The laughter would reach its full-stop in a scream.
Just like with hiccups, the laughter would end
With terror inspired by a brother or friend.

Their job was made easy by Willie's belief
In spirits and ghosts and a cat-like soul thief,
And his groundless fear that his ears would fall off.
He holds them when he has to sneeze or to cough.

He sleeps wearing ear muffs to keep them in place.
His ears feel at home at the sides of his face.
His housemates used slides to create a fake ghost
Who terrified Willie with this mocking boast:

"I'll steal both your ears and I'll wear them at balls."
The scream was so loud that it shook the four walls.
His housemates felt joy at the end of his laugh
Until they began to discover their gaffe.

He couldn't stop screaming and they couldn't sleep.
They tried counting thousands of scared screaming sheep.
They used muffs and ear plugs. They drank many beers.
They wouldn't have minded if they lost their ears.

They needed to get Willie laughing once more,
And wipe out the fearful expression he wore.
They showed him their knees and they said words like 'plop'.
But none of these things brought the scream to a stop.

Mrs. Birdwanger, who moved like a hen,
Would sing like a duck soaked in tonic and gin.
They called her around and they asked her to sing,
But even her song about eggs failed to bring

The crease of a smile to his fear-covered face.
Her voice swiftly switched from soprano to bass,
And brought a brief smile, a slight twitch to his mouth.
The screaming went on and made Kevin run out.

Kevin's complete lack of sleep made him lose
His mental well-being. It loosened some screws.
He thought there were nuts in his milk chocolate head.
Some tasted odd but they'd keep him well fed.

He picked them from out of his ears and his nose.
He squeezed them from spots. He feared that the crows
Would peck out the nuts if they got half a chance,
So he had to harvest the nuts in advance.

This is what made Willie laugh once again.
The scream slowly faded and then a faint grin
Was followed by laughter, a warm aural balm.
It put them to sleep with its feeling of calm.