Colin needs excitement
  Or his brain will start to stall.
Meeting other people
  Is a bore without a brawl.

Boredom overcomes him
  When he hears some people speak.
He can barely bear them
  When they talk about their week.

He can hardly hear them
  When his ears are full of wax.
He loves to instigate a fight
  By stating awkward facts,

Facts like 'You're so stupid
  You would lose a game of chess
To a stupid woodland animal's
  Unpleasant woodland mess'.

His cousin's birthday party
  Was ignited by a fight
That he started with some whiskey
  And a laser-guided slight

About his cousin's girlfriend
  And her theories on the stars.
She thinks that they control us,
  As do aliens on Mars.

The violence soon erupted
  And the aliens danced with glee.
Colin was delighted.
  Only cowards chose to flee.

He fought a punch drunk punk
  Who muttered French and sang a song.
In between the punches
  Colin smiled and sang along.

He likes being hit by women
  Who would try to kill a fly,
But they'd fail to even injure it
  And they would start to cry.

He hates being hit by women
  Who would hurt a tall giraffe.
His cousin's girlfriend's hook was good.
  His 'sorry' made her laugh.

Every time she punched he saw
  A word like 'Pow!' or 'Zap!'.
He told her he was lying down
  To take a little nap.

Once he met a woman
  Who was so impaired by drink
That she tried to break his head off.
  She had somehow come to think

That he's a little plastic man
  Upon a wedding cake,
A tiny smiling groom,
  A man she'd like to break.

At the time of this misfortune
  He was holding hands with Clare,
A woman in a wedding dress,
  With petals in her hair.