Daphne is only too happy to tell
How her dinner party went perfectly well,
Despite a slight fire while preparing the food.
It failed to affect her convivial mood.

At least it ensured that the veal was well done.
Leonard still panicked and got out his gun.
He shot at the fire, to little effect.
He told her he meant it, and she should have checked

To make sure the veal was undoubtedly dead,
And not just asleep in a cosy sun bed.
The turkey at Christmas had formed a good plan.
When it left the oven it just had a tan.

She thought it was dead, but it was just bluffing.
It ate roast potatoes and some of its stuffing.
The guests didn't mind the few holes in the veal.
Daphne served port at the end of the meal.

Dilly got drunk and she shouted abuse
At Uncle Sean's portrait of Eve, his pet goose.
Ernest proposed to his girlfriend, Yvette,
Who couldn't wait till they'd be parted by death.

Charlie sold watches that fell off of trucks.
He had at least twenty concealed in his tux.
He also sold rocks painted emerald green.
Jeffrey wrote cheques dated twenty-sixteen.

Jilly sang X-rated songs that she heard
From an Icelandic, one-eyed little bird.
The songs concerned heroes and villains and thieves
And actresses dressed in long black gloves and leaves.

Gareth was praying and Humphrey was crying.
Christopher was almost certainly lying
When he told a story about his adventures,
The time he attempted to steal diamond dentures.

He did it to help a poor woman in tears,
Drowning her sorrows in cheap foreign beers.
She'd lost a small fortune. The person to blame
Was a man who possessed much more money than shame.

He sold her a race horse who'd run in the Oaks.
It turned out to be an old donkey who smokes.
Christopher promised to get her cash back
From this mean old man who had lied at the track.

This man often drank at a club for the wealthy.
After a whiskey and soda he felt he
Could do with a rest. He started to tire.
He slept on an old leather chair by the fire.

Christopher entered the club by pretending
To be a rich count who's intent on befriending
The great and the good, those above mediocre.
He'd share a cigar with a talented smoker.

While the man slept, Chris stole his false teeth,
And left there as quickly as his two left feet
Would carry him safely away down the stairs
And over the up-turned card tables and chairs,

Chased by club members, security guards,
A few poker players still holding their cards,
Waitresses, waiters and some kitchen staff,
And a chef who unleashed a maniacal laugh.

They chased him down alleys and over parked cars,
Through theatres, brothels and dimly lit bars.
He lost them all when he assumed the disguise
Of a dancing girl wearing a look of surprise.

It soon became shock but he couldn't refuse
A dance with a gangster he'd seen on the news,
A man who'd been linked with some beatings and killings,
A dentist who practised extracting gold fillings.

Because Chris protested against a brief kiss,
The gangster suspected he's Mister, not Miss.
So Chris had to flee and be chased once again
By twenty-one well-armed and muscular men.

His previous pursuers re-joined the pursuit.
He took off his heels to escape with the loot.
He feared they would catch him. He never could tell
Why three circus clowns came to chase him as well.

He wished he could borrow some lives from street cats.
But his fellow dancers produced baseball bats
And chased off the clowns, the club members and goons.
They gave him his life and a bunch of balloons.

He went to the woman the old man had conned.
He felt like a Santa who looked like James Bond.
He gave her the diamond false teeth and he said
There's no better thing from the bad old man's head.

It took Chris three hours just to finish this tale
Because of digressions and pointless detail.
He wouldn't reveal the false teeth's hiding place
When he was a dancer in bits of black lace.

The room was in silence when he finished speaking,
Apart from some sobs and the sound of tears leaking.
The guests started leaving, with muttered goodbyes.
Lingering longer would not be so wise.

A man was unconscious, but no one had died.
With only one ambulance waiting outside,
Daphne felt sure she could safely declare
That this was the best party she'd thrown all year.