It's Christmas Day and the turkey is cooked,
And Santa left boots on the rooftop -- I looked.
We've heard carol singers expressing their joy,
Still celebrating the birth of a boy.

Gifts have been wrapped and the paper torn open.
We've had a nice message of hope from the Pope an'
From Auntie Eileen, whose smile lights the room.
From Granny and Granddad we've heard only doom.

And from Uncle Christy we've heard the same tale
He tells every year after brandy and ale.
He says he grew up on a farm in the west,
An idyllic childhood for which he feels blessed.

As midnight approached on one cold Christmas Eve
Christy was just about ready to leave
Familiar surroundings to enter a dreamland
Where large packs of wolves wearing waistcoats can seem bland.

Before sleep could claim him he heard an odd noise
That made the wolves hide and he opened his eyes.
He looked out the window. The fields were all white.
A blanket of snow kept the grass warm at night.

There in a field just a stone's throw away
Christy saw Santa touch down in a sleigh.
He rushed down the stairs and went out in the snow,
Expecting to hear at least one heartfelt 'ho'.

But as he got closer he saw something wrong.
The antlers were surely too straight and too long,
And they were on Santa. They grew from his head,
Which only confirmed what his brother had said,

That Santa, the elves and all of the reindeer
Are aliens fitted with fabulous brain gear.
Christy foresaw an unwinnable battle
When Santa Claus went to the shed to find cattle.

Christy was certain he must act to save
The cattle from kidnap. He had to be brave.
His mother's unique Christmas cake came to mind.
No one denied it was one of a kind.

The cake was enormous, as big as a van.
The glare from its icing would give you a tan.
It had its own engine to move it around.
Its four wheels would easily sink on soft ground.

The garage would house it until Christmas Day.
A homemade alarm kept the burglars at bay.
Christy ran back to the garage that night.
The cake's thick white icing reflected moonlight

As it travelled over the snow-covered land.
Christy's idea went exactly as planned.
Santa had led all the cattle away,
And tried to convince them to climb on the sleigh.

He stopped when he saw the white iceberg come near,
And quickly departed, impelled by his fear.
The cattle were saved, and Christy was glad.
He knew that his mother would surely be mad.

The cattle consumed the entire Christmas cake,
That took nearly all of a weekend to bake.
Not even the tiniest crumb could be found,
But they were the best-tasting cattle around.