Your brain and ears determine
If you're good at hearing things.
You'll normally need your fingers
To be adept at wearing rings.

The rings are gifts from loved ones,
So their presence always lingers.
Your toes don't do a lot,
But what they're not is little fingers.

They do a bit when you're barefoot,
Or when you're wearing sandals.
They're not equipped for pointing,
Or operating handles.

Your brain is well protected
From the wind and from the rain.
The extension from your shoulder
Is essentially a crane.

Your knees are very clever
In their own peculiar way.
They endeavour to ensure
You're perpendicular by day.

At night you're horizontal
So your knees can take a break,
And your toes can dance and play
Until morning when you wake.

For digging holes and finding grails
Your finger nails are handy.
They're effectively your claws.
If your name is Jill or Mandy

You can paint them any colour,
You can grow them very long.
On males long coloured nails are odd.
That's not to say they're wrong.

The mouth has many uses.
You need it when you breathe.
You can use it to form sentences
So people will pay heed.

And if they fail to listen
To your thesis, which you've checked.
It's their brains that are defective.
They've rejected intellect.

They say I'm plainly wrong,
But they're patently mistaken.
That cats are evil beings
Will be blatant when they waken.

I've double checked and tested
In laboratory conditions.
I've followed cats and kittens
And revealed their evil missions.

Their ultimate ambition
Is to dominate the world.
After much investigation
Their evil scheme unfurled

And unfolded in my brain
Where I've held it ever since.
For the feline armageddon
I've prepared by buying tents.

And food to last a year.
I've a hide-out on a mountain.
I've assembled countless ammo
And some weapons I can count on.

Some suspect their dogs,
And monkeys too, of course,
Of involvement in a plot
To form a government by force.

You'll be terrified of mice
After 'Pinky and The Brain'.
Felines seem effeminate
And fearful of the rain.

Despite their friendly guise
As a lazy ball of fur,
Beneath, there lies a genius.
There's menace in each purr.

Cats and mice will fight
In their global power game.
I think the crows are helping
The cats achieve their aim.

People say I'm mad,
But the truth lies in their hearts.
Let's leave this and return
To the brain and body parts.

You can use these parts together
On the sporting field or court.
You can always curse your ankles
When you finish last or fourth.

You can also aim abuse
At opponents or the ref.
You'll have to use your hands for that
If one of them is deaf.

And if you're playing soccer
You'll need to learn to dive.
Your head must orchestrate a move
That says you're not alive.

Your head can be conductor
And performer all in one.
Balls from corners require headers.
It's a job that must be done.

Your head can be a weapon
When it comes to words and deeds.
With words, water flows from eyes.
With deeds it's blood that bleeds.

Your head is very leaky.
It's something to remember.
Along with dates of birth and days,
How many has September.

If your head works very hard
On the outside, not the in,
What's in will decompose,
Like the contents of a bin.

You won't remember birthdays.
They'll hit you with a pan.
And only make your head worse.
You'll forget the feline plan.

Or too long in the sun
When you're used to cold and rain
Can seriously diminish
The performance of your brain.

So wear a hat or helmet.
It's what your brain deserves.
It never gets a break
From lighting cells and reading nerves.

Blocking footballs with your hand --
It's your brain that gets it done.
And when you see a cat
With a hand grenade, you'll run.