I found a crock of gold
  When I was walking in the woods.
I used the gold to purchase
  These essential household goods:

A silver bowl for caviar
  With caviar inside,
A clock that shows the movement
  Of the planets and the tide,

A jewel-encrusted bread knife
  That has known the blood of Orcs,
And many bottles of champagne
  With self-removing corks.

I hired a famous architect
  To make my new front door.
It has an elevator
  From the cat flap to the floor,

With 'Cat' in diamond letters
  Just to keep small dogs away.
This will come in useful
  Should I get a cat some day.

I bought a cement mixer
  With an engine by Rolls Royce.
Its full-time operator
  Likes his cocktails mixed with ice.

Late one night a leprechaun
  Arrived at my front door.
He failed to knock the door down,
  Which is why he curse and swore.

He tried to use the cat flap
  But he didn't realise
How fat he had become.
  His mirror told him lies.

He knew that this old mirror
  Was an unrepentant liar.
It reflected ice and water
  When confronted by a fire.

The leprechaun chose not to doubt
  The image that he saw.
His excellent reflection
  Lacked a blemish or a flaw.

The face lacked warts or wrinkles.
  The teeth were sparkling white.
The many throbbing bulges
  Came from muscles of great might.

He cursed the lying mirror
  When his flabby layer of fat
Left him lodged inside the cat flap
  Just above the 'Welcome' mat.

The two doors of the elevator
  Closed on his red nose.
He launched a stream of insults
  To dismiss his raging woes,

But still the woes kept mounting.
  His plight became much worse.
He was spotted by a cat,
  A black four-legged curse.

This cat passed by each day
  And he never paid attention
To the word in diamond letters
  That I scarcely need to mention.

But when he found the rear end
  Of the leprechaun it felt
As if he'd just inherited
  An uncle's creamy wealth.

He used this strange protrusion
  From the cat flap as a tool
For sharpening his claws,
  Just like he'd learnt in school.

He loved the sound effects
  When he sunk his paws' sharp claws.
For him this large posterior
  Possessed no signs of flaws.

The sound effects reflected
  The leprechaun's unease.
In between his chilling
  Maledictions, screams and pleas

He told me he had come here
  To retrieve the gold I took.
The nicest names he called me
  Were 'degenerate' and 'crook'.

When he'd exhausted all these names
  And curse-related jargon
I pointed out it might be wise
  To reach some sort of bargain.

His position had been weakened
  By the fact that he was stuck.
A deadly, dreadful drought had dried
  His reservoir of luck.

The cat ensured that our
  Negotiations were completed
In under twenty seconds.
  Agreement was then greeted

By a handshake and the leprechaun's
  Removal from his trap.
He swore he'd never have
  Another similar mishap.

The deal meant I could keep the gold
  I found, and I agreed
To act as fitness trainer
  In my small friend's hour of need.

I made him train twice daily
  In his little private gym.
Seven months of exercise
  Has left him looking slim.

The leprechaun is fit.
  He's lost a lot of fat.
He slides in through the cat flap
  Like a sleek and silent cat.

He avoids the elevator.
  He'll use the stairs instead.
He's working on developing
  A very healthy dread

Of all unhealthy foods.
  Junk food has been banned.
He says he'd rather eat things
  He has grown on his own land.

His mirror doesn't need to add
  Imaginary brawn,
But it often adds a cat
  Just to scare the leprechaun.