He's clearly become and extremely rich man
Through following his father's approved career plan:
Acquiring a crowbar, accruing his money
In various crimes and a sideline in honey.

Over the years he's improved at his work.
He's spotted where pitfalls and dangers may lurk.
His non-bee employees can move like a mouse.
Tonight he's invited them 'round to his house.

Thieves who think and hoodwink and plan,
Hoodlums manhandle and crush what they can,
Goodlums who beat people up and say sorry,
Burglars who bury the loot in a quarry,

All gathered together tonight in the garden.
Some make the trip to the den and the bar then
Return to their seat in the last of the sun,
With a glass in their hand and a plate for the bun.

Their boss asked them 'round on his daughter's advice.
He could have said no. He does have a choice,
But he loves Emma dearly, the reason he breathes.
She always gets more than she wants or she needs.

Sooner than later he'll buy her a band.
He caters for all of her needs to own land.
When no one will date her he'll threaten her friends
With imminent permanent concrete-shoe ends.

Now she's sixteen and she's starting to wonder
Should she buy shoes on the proceeds of plunder.
Her father will fund every whim and desire.
She's bored of her life as consumer and buyer.

And she'd like to do good. It sounds more exciting
Than boating and yachting and choosing the right thing
To go with the shoes or the clothes or the car,
Just to be seen in some trendy new bar.

She thought up a plan and she had so much fun
In fiendishly plotting and scheming with none
Of the criminal intent her granddad passed on,
Drained by her father until it was gone.

She told him she'd thought of a devious scheme,
A ghostbusting service -- this is her dream.
People trust anything when they're gripped by fright.
You'd get easy access to houses at night.

He couldn't be prouder of his only daughter.
She's more than re-paid him for all that he bought her.
He called up his colleagues and asked them to visit,
To unveil their new business, and ghostbusting is it.

He lets Emma tell them the ins and the outs.
They listen intently but some have their doubts
When Emma brings out the uniforms they'll wear.
She designed them herself with attention and care.

With mittens and socks, one for each foot.
The mittens might look very like the socks but
If their feet should get wet late at night in a storm
They can use the mittens as socks and stay warm.

There's one for the man with the metal hook hand.
She knitted this mitten just for his hook and
He'll get three socks, subject to checks,
But the mitten won't fit on his foot, she suspects.

The ghostbusters logo adorns every shirt,
A dangerous weapon when used while you flirt
With women who fall for authority figures.
It'll be a nice change from the queue of gold-diggers.

And Emma points out that some women will fall
For a man who's good-looking, dark-haired and tall,
But many more women will fall for the charms
Of a man with a spare pair of socks on his arms.

None of the crooks are too keen on the clothes,
But no one complains because everyone knows
That the chances for theft make it worth wearing pants
That make them assume an unusual stance.

The first night of business was carefully planned
By Emma and friends. The phone lines are manned
By Jim and Michelle, from her class in school.
But they get to spend all their time in the pool.

Emma's already arranged all the calls:
Reports of unexplained knocking on walls,
Faint ghostly voices, maniacal laughter,
The ghost of a cat who won't move from a rafter.

When one of the burglars arrives at the door
Of a house with strange footprints along the hall floor,
He's greeted by name, his real name at that.
The words are embroidered in red on his hat.

He sees that his chances for stealing have vanished.
It seems that the ghost has already been banished.
He stays for a drink with his hostess, Diane,
Who regales him with tales of acquiring her tan.

The ghost on the rafter is really a cat,
And she's stuck in a tree, too scared or too fat
To move from her branch and return to her kittens.
The ghostbuster's glad of his warm sock-like mittens.

He climbs up the tree to retrieve this trapped pet.
Terrified of heights, he faces his death.
But he rescues the cat, who scratches his face.
He remembers he should have been robbing the place.

His colleagues in crime don't fare any better.
One has to shampoo and groom a Red Setter.
Another has biscuits and sandwiches to choose,
And three cups of tea that he just can't refuse.

But one call is real. Kevin is sent
To an old country house. He's sorry he went.
The house is in darkness. While climbing the stairs,
A sad ghostly voice and this sentence he hears:

"I'm still not entirely sure where my shoes are."
Kevin turns 'round and heads straight for his car.
He vows to quit, a job he won't miss.
He never believed in ghosts before this.

Emma is happy the thieves spent their time
Devoted to things unrelated to crime.
With their new set of clothes their feet will be dryer.
And Kevin's been scared into joining a choir.