Hermann looked for ways to show
  The love he felt for Kate.
His conclusion was that music
  Was the way to demonstrate

The way she made him feel,
  And she'd feel that way as well.
She got a thrill from orchestras
  And from her own doorbell.

He tried to learn the trumpet
  But he couldn't play a tune
Without scaring farmyard creatures,
  Making cattle jump the moon.

He tried the violin
  And the sound woke up the dead.
An irate pirate spirit
  Swung his hook at Hermann's head.

It passed right through the head
  And it tickled Hermann's brain.
It made him think of Woody Allen
  Singing in the rain.

His single tuba lesson
  Is remembered far and wide.
As the fires were being extinguished
  Many young school children cried.

He finally found his forte
  When he learnt to play the gong,
But it seemed to him the better way
  To woo her was through song.

He'd write the song himself.
  He would take great care to chart
The epic expeditions
  She has started in his heart.

One sultry summer night he'd send
  A text that says 'Please meet me
At the oak tree by the lake',
  Where he'd serenade her sweetly.

It took him twenty days
  To complete his song of love.
When countless sparkling diamonds
  Filled a clear night sky above

They stood next to the lake
  And he took hold of her hand,
And he hoped that this endeavour
  Went exactly as he'd planned.

"I love you more than birds," he sang.
  "I'd gladly give an arm
If I was sure this sacrifice
  Would save your hair from harm.

"You're twenty times as good as hope.
  You're better than world peace.
You make all supermodels
  Seem like very ugly geese.

"It doesn't really matter
  That your father wants to kill me.
Despite his groundless anger
  I am certain we can still be

"The very best of friends.
  We will often drink together,
Watch men chase leather footballs
  In inclement winter weather,

"And shout abuse at players
  Who can barely tie their laces,
And we'll all cheer home the winners
  On a day out at the races.

"As soon as he says sorry
  For suggesting I'm a lout
I'll tell him I regret the time
  I punched him in the mouth.

"I'd do anything for you.
  If you told me I could fly
I'd climb the hill and jump off
  Without asking how or why.

"Many Jacks have done this
  When you play the role of Jill.
Your fashion sense is razor sharp.
  You're always dressed to kill.

"You've never strangled animals,
  Despite what Debbie claims.
She's jealous coz her dress sense
  Never murders, it just maims.

"There is sunshine in your smile.
  There are rain clouds in your frown.
Your lips perform great miracles.
  They cured Jack's broken crown.

"You're always kind to children,
  Except when they start swearing.
What some will see as cruelty
  Is really heart-felt caring.

"You're my guiding light.
  You make my life complete.
Without you I'd be little more
  Than two unhappy feet.

"You've changed me for the better.
  When people get too loud
I now avoid the violence.
  I don't despise a crowd.

"You make me want to join them.
  Without you I'd just beat them.
I love you more than rainbows
  And the crocks of gold beneath them."

She looked down at the ground
  In the silent seconds after
His song came to an end
  But they soon could hear some laughter.

There were people on a boat
  Who had been there all along.
They'd struggled not to laugh
  As they listened to his song.

He was filled with anger,
  And from the old oak tree
He broke a branch and threw it
  As the laughter ceased to be.

The people on the boat could see
  The branch fly through the sky
So they took evasive action
  To allow the branch pass by.

Their manoeuvres were successful,
  Yet still were ill-advised.
They all fell in the water
  When their rowing boat capsized.

Kate could only smile
  And she looked into his eyes,
As if this was a carnival
  And he'd won her a prize.

This was really Hermann,
  The man she loved so much,
The man who'd punched her father
  After stealing someone's crutch.