Jessica's cat was afraid of the moon.
A full moon would give him the shivers.
And he was afraid of being fried at high noon.
He thought great white sharks lived in rivers.

The cat's name was Puddle. He hated white clouds,
The monsters who dressed up as sheep.
The fat ones would dive and devour entire crowds
And spit out the shoes that were cheap.

Mice made him nervous. He'd seen Tom and Jerry.
He wore his ear plugs after dark
To keep out the sound of the mice getting merry
As well as the neighbours' dog's bark.

He'd cower whenever the clock struck the hour.
The cuckoo seemed slightly psychotic.
He feared that the clock possessed some secret power.
Its ticks and its tocks were hypnotic.

Jessica noticed the way that the clock
Could transfix the cat in a minute.
And he couldn't move when the speeches of Spock
Were read out by her brother Kenneth.

She thought it might help to take Puddle to see
A hypnotist who was well known
For working with cats. Puddle would be
A feline Sylvester Stallone.

This was the promise the hypnotist made.
The promise was certainly kept.
The new improved cat was no longer afraid
Of losing his tail while he slept.

He stood on the shed and swung claws in the air
To ward off the clouds in the sky,
And he apprehended a lone teddy bear.
The bear's owner started to cry.

The cuckoo seemed sad. He wore a black hat.
Beneath it his small head was wrapped in
A bandage he needed because of the cat
Who seems to enjoy being called 'Captain'.

Puddle responds when he's called 'Captain Kirk'
But 'Jim' or just 'Captain' will do.
He's caught all the mice and he's put them to work.
He seems to think they are his crew.

The mice all respect him, but maybe it's fear.
Some humans fear him as well.
Never speak Klingon when Puddle is near,
And never laugh at his hair gel.