Richard held a party
  In a club where snooty waiters
Made shirtless lager drinkers
  Feel like lowly, worthless traitors.

A happy six-piece jazz band
  Kept the drinkers entertained.
The waiters kept the guests they liked
  Well fed and well champagned.

Richard danced on tables,
  Drank from shoes and fell off chairs.
The night became a blur,
  Free of memories and cares.

He woke up after midday
  With reminders of the night.
The warm glow of the party
  Still emitted heat and light

That fought the aches and pains
  And defused his brain's landmines,
And infused a rosy tint
  In mental scenes of sampling wines.

He whistled, smiled and skipped until
  The club sent him the bill.
The sight of all those zeros
  Left him feeling slightly ill.

They wanted twenty grand to pay
  For all the damage done.
Some friends of his discovered
  That destroying things is fun.

This bill included all the food
  And alcohol consumed.
Unless he grew a beard and fled
  He feared he would be doomed.

Some very shady people
  Owned this club and they explained
That they would not look kindly
  On a person who refrained

From paying bills in full.
  They'd be like bulls who feel
A burning, red-hot rage
  At an obvious raw deal.

And they'd insist on borrowing
  Some favourite body parts.
They've been known to get a loan
  Of livers, brains and hearts.

Richard didn't have the cash.
  He didn't want to lose
The body parts he hoped to harm
  With years of drinking booze.

He rounded up his authors
  And explained his latest plight.
He put them in his study
  And he made them work all night.

He spent that night at parties.
  He was able to forget
About the fact that bits of him
  Were clearly under threat.

He woke up in the morning
  And had breakfast in his bed,
With remnants of his happy dreams
  Still lighting up his head.

While Richard drank his tea and ate
  His toast he heard his authors
Summarise the story that would
  Calm these troubled waters.

They said he'll find a treasure map
  Inside an old sea chest.
He'll leave then to retrieve the loot
  And on his lonely quest

He'll encounter many dangers
  And partake in speedboat chases.
He'll face the wrath of pirates
  And of snakes inside suitcases.

Despite the constant gunfire
  And explosions all around him
He'll finally find the treasure.
  Gold and diamonds will astound him.

He'll get back home to safety
  And he'll pay his bill in gold.
Richard thanked his authors
  For the story that they told.

He gave his full approval
  To this ending they had planned.
They made sure he'd be entertained
  When he departs dry land.

But they forgot to mention
  That he'd shortly get engaged
To a woman who was beautiful
  But easily enraged.

She'd wrestle with a crocodile
  And win inside one round.
Those who criticise her
  Often end up gagged and bound.